Today I...

Sooo…. according to my writing tracker, I was SO FAR BEHIND in writing because I haven’t worked on my story much at all this month (I’ve been very discouraged by it and decided to take a break with a different, shorter project). But I just went in and updated it, and added in some little bits I had handwritten or recorded, aaaand I apparently I am SO FAR AHEAD that I’m almost twice as far as I should be. o_o; When I started tracking, I didn’t take into account the stuff I’d already written? I don’t even know. But I’m CRAZY AHEAD OF SCHEDULE right now. Which is a very odd feeling haha. 

CHRIS SAYS I WOULD NOT MAKE A VERY GOOD DOCTOR.

SO I DON’T EVEN HAVE THAT TO FALL BACK ON.

I’ve been dictating my writing and typing it up later… today I’m typing. At the end of one of the sound files, this SUPER LOUD ALARM STARTS BEEPING and (in the clip) I shriek and shout “HOW DO I TURN IT OFF. HOW DO I TURN IT OFF.” After there’s silence, I go “So that’s what a heart attack feels like.”

The point is that I’m amused by own antics and transcribing my writing like this kind of feels like hanging out with myself. Haha. I’ve never really heard myself laugh before now. And it’s kind of making me like myself, like I enjoy hanging out with this person. I dunno. It’s weird. I don’t like my voice (does anyone?) but I like how my personality sounds on tape.

last night I was thinking about characters in books I’ve read that I LOVED and realized that they were all revealed slowly, and part of the reason I loved them was because they took so long with everything… and I mean, I have NO PATIENCE to speak of, and I generally do life by shouting at everyone and I’m not even convinced I could write the kind of character you’d want slowly revealed. basically I am seriously doubting if I am up to this whole writing thing.

I mean, I doubt that a lot, but now I’m seriously realizing the scope and magnitude of what it means to make something amazing and I’m not sure if I could pull it off. I rarely try things that I don’t already know I can do. It’s not in my nature. It would just be really hard. And writing is already hard.

I have no idea.

brella:

tragic backstories explain bad deeds but they do not excuse them

• tragic backstories explain bad deeds but they do not excuse them

(via shakespearwasaflirt)

falling in love with a fictional person is really fucking painful. and not just in the “WAH FANDOM FEELS” but like it’s a real person and we’re in a long-distance relationship but I will never ever get to see them. even though I know everything about them and have gone on adventures with them and cried with them and fallen asleep with them. but we’re in different universes and will never ever meet. 

Sometimes I see people and I think like “MAN I WISH I WAS PRETTY LIKE THAT” or like “I wish I had relationships with my friends like that” or “damnit why doesn’t anyone want me like people want this person” and then it’s like the reasonable part of my brain starts listing people who DO think that way about me, or specific moments when that happened, but it doesn’t help. For some reason IT’S NOT THE SAME and I don’t understand this bizarre phenomenon.

I always want to have sex with Chris like 5 minutes before he has to leave for work.